I don't know why it's so hard for me to just make a clean break when it comes to the exes. Sometimes I think that not talking to them would make life so much easier.

Here's my stance. It's hard to shut yourself off from someone you've given a part of your heart to. For me it's especially hard, because I have never dated an outright asshole. I have been really lucky in the end. Sure, I've been hurt, I have hurt others, but I've never been hit, left stranded somewhere,or used ( to my knowledge ). And honestly? When you're this age...that's a lot more than a lot of women can say sadly.

So here's the story. Last night after I had made a lovely pork chop dinner for Fred and I ( hadn't seen him all summer, that was nice ), Matt called. This was surprising because we keep umm, having fall-outs in our attempt to be friends.

It's too soon, we keep saying...we need to stop talking for a good while.

Yet he still calls, breaking our 5-day silence. He asked me to come to a party with he and Nathan and I accepted, because otherwise I would have been watching PBS under the covers.

It was fun. I apologized for being ugly to him and he did the same. We shook hands and I thought " hey this is really civil! Maybe we can just hang out as friends!" Nathan got way too drunk and pulled me outside. His pupils were as big as saucers. He yelled at me, " Sarah you can't do this! He still loves you! You're confusing him!"

Hmm, love?! Since when does love involve LYING and IGNORING?? God, I am such a girl.

So I was skeptical the rest of the night, even though Matt was being sweeter than he had ever been to me. He's vacationing from work right now and is a comepletely different person. Funny, random, smart, and compassionate.

He grabbed my hand after 2 vodka cherry sours at Cool Bean's and said, " I should have never let you go. " I just felt numb all over again. I can see the general populus rolling their eyes about now....but seriously, when I try to picture what my heart looks like, I see scar tissue. Rough and tough.

But I just smiled. It was good for the moment. He took me home and we danced to ...of all things...Justin Timberlake in the living room. I'm sad to admit, I am a fan. It was a blast, and felt so good to remember what I liked about Matt in the first place.

In the morning Nathan called hungover, and asked us on a whim to come to church with him. And we went. I almost threw up at the smell of the incense and the taste of the communion wine.

Here's the kicker...Matt's giving me my early birthday present today. He's taking me to Medieval Times since neither of us ever have been. I am so excited...I've wanted to go since I was about 10.However, I hope by accepting my birthday gift, I'm not leading him on. He's trying hard. Trying hard for what, I don't know.

I don't know when I became such a relationship spaz. I hate this.

But I AM going to Medieval Times! Yippee!

Oh, and I've made the executive decision to make my birthday night a girls' night out with 3 of my best girl friends. I am pleased with this decision.