I feel so good right now. It's that crazy, bittersweet good...but dang.

Matt and I are going to be ok. Assuming the worst, like it says in those cheezy dashboard confessional lyrics, I messaged him and told him I would be too busy to have an emotionally taxing conversation tomorrow. So, we had it tonight. He told me to meet him at Mr. Chopsticks. I was angry. " Great, you're going to dump me at my favorite Chinese restaurant; make me hate my beloved cashew chicken". I kept my work clothes on, and put on my best porcelain doll face. If he was going to leave me, I wanted it to sting.

We talked about work over potstickers and white zinfendel. He picked up on the fact I had been drinking a lot more. He talked about how in love he is with his classes, and I realized how incredibly proud of him I was. While my time apart was spent discovering the difference between riesling and chardonnay....laughing to 'wife swap', stuffing my face, and reading incessantly, he actually was enriching himself. Participating in class discussions, which I was always so shy to do. I always wanted to...but everytime I spoke I would turn red from head to toe. I was so afraid to be thought of as stupid, or the opposite; a "Miss I-Always-Know-The-Answer".

I hated that even though I felt like he was going to say " I love school more than I love you", that all I wanted to do was hug him. I hated that I missed him even though I was angry. And then, it was all over when he said " you know, I'm really sorry for making you doubt me."

Freakin' water works in the middle of Mr. Chopsticks on Hickory Street. Dentonites know how ghetto this is.

He let me talk and talk and talk, and in this talking, I found out why I was so insecure. And it's stupid and I want to hate myself for it. I never wanted to be one of "those girls".

But, he didn't care. He was relieved. I was relieved. And he's sorry and I'm sorry and it's gonna be okay and I'm so relieved I cried all the home, so much that my Margot Tennenbaum eyeliner was lookin' a mess.

This is something special. I don't know where it's going but...I'm not certain about much of anything right now.

Oh, and 'A Million Little Pieces'? Fake. At least the best parts of it are. Crap. It's still really good though. I still would have cried even if I had known James wasn't a real person. I'm plowing through 'Lovely Bones'. It's really great, Amy.

Alright, enough psycho posts. I will be back to my old self in no time ;)