ARGGGGGGGGGGGHHHH!!!

Is there such thing as feeling loved, but at the same time feeling expendable? Unappreciated?

I wish it could be, always, just like it is when we're spinning around drunk and laughing, always with loud trumpets and pianos bumping into people arms around waists feeling so daring but so secure. Or I wish it could always be like laying spooned up together when the alarm rings in the morning and he says " no, don't go...it's cold..." and I end up late to work because I spent too much time curled up in his arms. I wish he could see that the things that he thinks are so stupid and insignificant break my heart.

But I don't know. I don't know where the threshold is. I don't know what's normal and it drives me insane.

I do know he doesn't sit alone wondering this. Or if he does, it's not nearly as much as I do. So what do I do with that.

I don't know.