The Chair

I tell this story a lot, anecdotally at parties & out at bars. I hit a wild streak at 20; curiosity had finally got the best of me and I crossed over to the dark side. "The fellowship of the Chair Incident" hold this event as sacred. It goes down in the history books in the chapter marked, " stupid shit you do in your youth."

3 and a half years ago I went to Lubbock to hang out with my best friend Suzi, and to meet this guy called Mike Morrison aka "Mikeymo" that I'd heard so much about. I got there and met everyone at Spanky's hamburgers. I met all Suzi's friends -- Andrew, Thomas, Kathleen, Lisa, and of course " my-blue-shirt-matches-my-eyes" Mike. We ate, we laughed, we ended up at Mike's apartment.

It was hilarious; it was awkward. This Morrison fellow presented me with a frosted cookie cake that said " WELCOME SARAH" in purple lettering. Suzi whispered in my ear, " I think he's trying to impress you." It was even noted that Mike threw down 100 bucks on an oak coffee table because I might not like him if he didn't have a proper coffee table.

Ok, flash forward about an hour. Mike had also scored a bunch of booze. Keep in mind we're all 20. We're drinking crown & coke -- and washing it down with *gag* keystone light. This is where I discover that Mikeymo is one smoothe mofo. At the time, I was in love with: John Mayer, Dashboard Confessional ( haha yes, I embrace my former whiny em0-dom ), and Dave Matthews Band. Dude had bought all 3 live dvds, which prompted a sing-along. I have photo documentation of all this, including Suzi singing " Saints and Sailors", arms in the air...beer stains on her cheerbear shirt. The drinking and singing continues. By this time I'm harmonizing to " Ender will Save us All " and wearing some fake plastic buddy holly glasses. ( A Texas Tech Lubbock thing...don't ask me why ). Mike invites me back into his room....for the life of me I can't remember what for....and shortly after Lisa comes in to anounce that Kathleen was sick. We walk into the living room, beers in hand, to find Kathleen passed out on the floor, and a steaming pile of vomit on Mike's brown arm chair. Eww.

I don't know whose idea it was, but all the sudden we concurred the best solution to this mess was to get Kathleen some water -- and to throw the recliner off the balcony. Oh now I remember, Mike had seen a flash movie on the internet of one of our favorite bands, Guster, throw a couch off their balcony. O impressionable youth. I don't remember if we bothered to scoop the throw-up off, but 1-2-heave-ho, with Suzi, Lisa, Thomas, and Mike's help, the chair landed on the lawn of Canyon Crossing Apartments. It didn't stop there. There was much rejoicing, and all who were sober enough to stand ran downstairs. Thomas, Mike, and Suzi decided to haul the now defunct chair into the middle of Loop 289. Suzi's face as she ran across the highway reflected sheer terror. Our innocous prank turned well, really illegal, when some Mexicans in a truck hit the vomit chair. All parties involved ran back into the apartment and hid in the closet. We were certain the cops would come based on the angry shouts in Spanish echoing behind us. Nothing happened. 10 minutes later we were all asleep on the floor, the couch, anywhere where there was space. Flashes of this petty crime replayed over and over in our beer-soaked minds.

In the morning we cruised the loop to survey the damage. Sure enough about a half mile from where it was dumped, the mangled chair was strewn in about 3 pieces in its final resting place. Success, kinda. Kathleen vowed never to drink again. I'm sure it lasted all of 2 days, as all of our vows at that time did.

The story took an interesting turn, a few weeks later. I had taken pictures of the whole thing and being the internet junkie I am, put them on a website. Mike and I were kind of a thing by then, and unbeknownst to me, his ex-girlfriend Amy was online-stalking. ( I totally understand that though. I would be lying if I said I had never done that to my exes' new girls. ) Anyway, she found my website, and the pictures. Horrifyingly enough, the chair was not Mike's -- it was Amy's that she had been storing at Mike's until she got her own place. Oops. Poor Mike received many angry e-mails and phone calls. It was ugly.

But, still worth it, because here it is 3 years later and I'm still grinning as I write this all out. Now being almost 24, I do wonder what happened to those guys' truck who had hit it. Did anyone else hit it? Shame. Remorse. But funny. If we had been arrested for underage drinking, or for reckless endangerment, or for any other charge you could get for putting a soiled recliner in the middle of a road, I doubt I would tell this story with such nostalgia. Anyway, that there is about the most illegal thing I have ever taken part in, so maybe that will shed light on just how tame I am.

All this reminiscing made me decide to go to Lubbock this weekend. Suzi and Ricardo just moved into a new house, and I haven't made the drive up there in a year. Kohl's is giving me good hours and letting me have my saturdays, and Matt is so busy we're about to only be seeing each other once a week. So far so good. In the past 6 weeks we've been "working on things", we've had the least amount of arguments than the whole of our 1-year, 2 months of being together. Still there is no label. This is ok with me. Slow is good, slow is healthy. However, it puts me in an awkward situation with other male friends. Something happened in college where I went to having all-female friends, to mostly male friends. I like guy-friends. They don't judge you, and they're just fun. I like hanging out with girls, but honestly, I haven't met a chica like Suzi who I can just, bare my whole freaking soul to...without the friend thinking " she's an absolute whack job." Maybe Suzi does think that about me, but she would never say. Anyway, my current guy friends are great, I've just had problems with a) Matt being uneasy about competition ( i don't blame him ) and b) guy friends saying things like, and i quote, " man you're so freaking fun to drink with. you know i have a thing for you, but i won't make a pass at you because i value our friendship too much." so basically, i've had to slowly whittle my list down to "safe to drink with" friends and " maybe good for coffee and lunch and light conversation". Sigh. I got really sad watching "grey's" last night when Meredith got Izzy a dog to make her feel better. I need girl friends! And not ones to just go shopping with. I need someone who would buy me wine and cheesecake and really want to hear about it if I had a shit day. Lol, it's so bad...I was whining about this to Matt, who is trying to get me to call Gtown Julie, which is awkward because although I think she would be a kickass friend, I see her more as Matt's friend and I don't know if she would want to hang out with me. He actually called her and arranged a play date. " Julie, can you call Sarah and ask her if she wants to go swimming later on?" God, I feel like such a loser.

Oh well. In 2 weeks this won't matter because I won't have time for friends. School is starting up again and I'm not excited about it. Have I mentioned that yet? I've had bad dreams about it every night. In the one from last night, I walked around the school and apprehended all the kids out of dress code. They cussed at me. Some kicked. I called my department head today ( to find out when the hell they are sending our checks), and to ask about the in-service coming up. It turns out that even more teachers and 2 asst. principals decided to leave during the summer. I am so scared. Not a good sign.

I know I will be a much better teacher this year. I am going to be one hardened bitch though. As I think back on it, the best teachers I had started out as hardened biotches, though, and when us students learned the ropes, they softened up and it was harmonious. Hopefully this approach will work.

Ok this is long enough. Toodle oo.