As promised, 3 Tales of Ridiculousness from my place of business:

#1

In my 6th period, former hell-class, I was giving warnings and writing detentions to let the kids know that I was serious; that if they didn't shut the F*&#^ up, I would lose it. One usually well-behaved boy got up to sharpen his pencil without raising his hand and I said " so-and-so, you know you're supposed to ask permission before you get out of your chair. That's a warning."
He said, " CHILLLLL, BII#($&#)$"
I didn't hear the second half of the word so I thought he said of course, 'bitch'
Me: " Ok, you just won yourself a referral."
Him: " But MISS! I didn't SAAYYYY that! I said 'BISCUIT'!! Chill BISCUIT!"
...So I had the pleasure of writing in the 'act of defiance' box on the office referral, " Student said 'chill biscuit.' "

Now in my personal life, I don't think I'd mind being called 'biscuit'. It's kinda cute, like 'muffin'. Yes, I know it's a metaphor for vagina, often used in reference to sausages. But, it could always be worse. On my list of increasingly offensive vagina euphamisms -- the worst being C-U NextTuesday followed by snatch, and coochie, 'biscuit' would be more on a level with 'cooter'. Cooter just makes me smile and so does 'biscuit'. So now you can see why it was difficult to straight-facedly send a kid to the office after writing this on a referral.

#2

Once a 6-weeks, we have "pot-luck" AKA pig-out day. Sounds fun right? Never has such a seemingly innocent event caused so much controversy. First off, a lot of people "forget" to bring something. I admit I have too, but I always make it to the store during my conference period to pick up some chips and dip. Some people though *cough coaches* just REFUSE to bring stuff...and then sneak out of the gym to pile their plates high as soon as A-lunch bell rings. D-lunch folk were so outraged, they sent an e-mail to the principal so D-lunch could go first today...so they would get first pickins' for once. Ok, that's fair.

But it's like...they'd never seen food before. Yes, the cafeteria fare is very Napolean Dynamite-esque ( hey gimme some of your tots...I see you're drinking 1%...) but there's nothing SPECTACULAR about maccaroni salad and store-bought birthday cake that we're getting in the teacher's lounge on pig-out day, either.

#3

Now this one baffles me. A few days ago, I got a coke out of the lounge in between classes and there were fans blowing and some wet spots on the carpet between the vending machines and the teacher's restroom. I didn't think much of it; figured the roof was leaking. While I had lunch duty another teacher asked " so who do you think did it?" I didn't know what they were talking about. I inquired into the matter from a few different teachers and aparently someone had an accident of the #2 variety right on the teacher's lounge carpet.

...uh...

What's worse is, admin checked the cameras and there were no students going into the lounge that morning when it happened. What's worse than that is, why would you WANT to know who it was? Someone either has a serious medical problem, or a psychological disorder. If the bigwhigs have found the culprit, they're keeping it quiet, and that's good. But as far as I know, the poo-poo bandit is still on the loose.

...And this is after our principal had reportedly called a meeting with all the male teachers about leaving the toilet seats up.

In my last entry I conceded I was crazy...but I take pride in knowing I'm not THAT crazy. :)