Easter = not so much my favorite holiday.

And it has nothing to do with what it stands for; it's just the time of year, the brevity of it, etc. Last year Easter was at the end of March and D had a gig playing in a brass quartet at this big Methodist Church in Oklahoma City. I didn't feel like staying home with my family so I went with him. We went in his car because in my infinite wisdom, had wrecked the malibu and it wasn't fixed yet. We were both pretty broke, and his little dodge shadow broke stalled about every 50 miles. It was cold and rainy, and I was not feeling the Easter Spirit. We stayed with one of his old fraternity brothers and his wife, who was younger than I was. ( I was 22! ) I went for a walk with the wife ( I can't remember her name ) while David and his frat bro went to practice at the church. It was still drizzly but the neighborhood we walked through was old and beautiful; kind of like Dallas' Highland Park. She took me to a thrift shop where we looked at old aprons and hats. This part of town felt like it was frozen in the 60's. On Sunday we had to get up really early for church and I sat with wifey while she taught her sunday school class. She had a great lesson based on CS Lewis works, but her high schoolers stared at her blankly. A girl raised her hand and said " I don't believe that my friends who aren't Christian are going to go to hell." I widened my eyes as wifey nodded and didn't know what to say. On Easter! I wanted to laugh and hug the girl. The other students just said " you need to think about that a lot before you come back in here". A blanket of cynicism fell over me, and as we sat through the Easter service and I sang " Jesus Christ has ris'n todaayyyyy" just like I had every Easter since I could remember, I just wanted to sit down and stare out the stained glass windows.

It rained all the way home, too. I recognized that I was already in a slump of depression before we even left the apartment to go to OK. I had fallen out of love with everything and everyone, and I was hurting myself by trying to hold on to the familiar.

2 days later I was forced to 'fess up to all of this. I ended my relationship with D, which forced me to end my apathy about my last semester of school, and everything else. Easter I guess was a turning point for me; a rebirth. Even if I realized that church-going was completely lack lustre for me, well at least I realized it, and will find a way to figure out the Faith thing when it's time. And I will figure it out. Am figuring it out.

So for the first Easter Sunday since my birth, I won't be going to church. This will distress my "reverend mother" greatly if she finds out, but she should be used to me rebelling by now. I still give mad props to Big JC though, and am making chocolate peanut butter swirl brownies in His honor. I think He would like them. :)