It's been a strange morning. I drove to Denton to give Matt his paper, and the formatting was all wrong and it took a long time to print it up. On the way, I got a text from Nicole that just said " Brandon told me he has 2 weeks to live".

I don't know if he's in the hospital, or where he even lives anymore. I am confused and in unfamiliar territory. My immediate reaction is to want to reach out to Nicole...here it is; the day before her 23rd birthday and she hasn't really spoken to him in almost a year....and she gets these news. We knew he was sick only because he posted it on his blog. I told her and she tried to get more info from him, and he was vague about it. Now this.

And then I realize, I am a shitty friend. He and I were pretty good friends at one time...my statistics notebook is filled with his notes and drawings...anything to pass the time and not listen to the professor. When he and Nicole broke up, it put all of us mutual friends in awkward positions because we didn't want to take sides. However, he was really hurting and needed someone to talk to. I remember sitting there at the restaurant and him saying "man, death by steak. I'm getting that motorcycle. I'm going to start smoking. If I walk in front of a bus, fuck it. " I sat there and laughed. I laughed. Never thought anything of it, except I knew he was hurting, but that he would get over it one day. Time went on, and he wasn't getting over it, and it got petty, so we stopped talking gradually. When I read his blog post about his heart, I was shocked but still, didn't talk to him. I don't know why not. In most situations, I am great at just cutting into awkward silences and just saying what I want to say. When it comes to death though, I don't know what to say. I couldn't call him up and say " dude is that for real? you dying?" Does it matter that I say something to him? Does he want to be alone?

I don't know what to do or say. I don't know if there's anything I can. I am immensely sad though, and am hoping for a miracle. He's too young. He didn't have time to find what it was he needed to. I can't imagine him dying. I can't imagine what Nicole or his mother are feeling right now. God, her only son.

I know it's not eloquent at all, but this sucks so much.