Greetings, Sarah C, B.A. speaking. Graduation came and went. My mortar board wouldn't stay on, I hope that wasn't an omen.

I feel completely displaced right now; nothing's really working out. I don't really feel like I have a "home". ( See: Zach Braff's speech about the 'idea of home' in Garden State. ) I know that soon I will have a new idea of home, with new people in it who care about me.

I'm 'home' right now, where I lived for 18 years. I drove around 20 minutes trying to find the library downtown. How bizarre! The library I had gone to when I couldn't even read yet to look at picture books and sit in the big orange plastic chairs...this place that I used to be able to find blindfolded...erased from the cognitive map of my brain. Anyway, I'm here to observe at my mom's school. To start to network and see what it's like and to make 100% sure that I'm going to commit to this training program.

But it's so hard for me to be 100% sure of anything, and that makes me tear up everytime I think about it. It's crunch time. I gotta decide about so many things. I wish I could "give it to God" or whatever it is that optimistic spiritual people say. But to me, that feels like saying " ok I'm just going to let shit happen and be happy about it". The faith I have belonged to since I was a baby says that I shouldn't worry because there's already a divine plan. But.....*insert big giant question mark here.*

I'm grateful for this pain, because at least I feel something. I'm glad D. understands now. How easy it is to slip into another frame of mind sometimes. Neither justification nor condemnation. I'm glad we can see each other as inherently flawed humans who need one another. But sometimes part of love is recognizing when to let go. I love him and he loves me, and because of that, we know that it is in each other's best interest to stop trying to make it work when we know that we've grown into 2 seperate people. This realization hurts more than the actual breaking up. I am grateful that we got to look into each others' faces one last time and see our 18-year-old selves ( how old we were when we first got together ) shining through our 22-year-old eyes. We've helped each other through so many other tragedies... I guess it was only natural that we'd run to each other in this case too, as unhealthy as that may be.


You know? Screw it. I'm deciding to feel ok. " It comes in waves". This is just a low wave. Maybe this will help:

20 Things That Have Made Me Happy:
1. graduation dinner at PF Chang's
2. blowing bubbles with Ian & Mikey
3. Singing "picture" with Trevor w/ our free online karaoke
4. adding a lap every time I run, getting better/stronger
5. making an A in beverage survey
6. dorito caserole
7. holding baby Aidan and seeing him smile
8. " Butterflies and Hurricanes" by Muse
9. Cleaning & organizing my apartment
10. encouragement from my mom, visiting her class
11. closure
12. free & innocent snuggles
13. being 10 lbs lighter than I was 2 months ago
14. baking for friends
15. Guster on Austin City Limits
16. Woodchuck Pear Cider
17. Amy doing the 'happy-cabage-patch' dance walking out of graduation
18. Aqua Teen Hunger Force
19. My stepdad BBQ-smoking more than 10 chickens
20. The fact that I could easily think of 20 more things that have made me happy

20 things to look forward to:
1. finally going to the dixie chicken with casey
2. having a new job, god willing
3. going to mexico june 6
4. maybe moving to a house with andrew & robert...hahaha
5. france in december
6. learning to cook
7. healing my heart ( it will happen! ) and:
8. being able to be true friends that genuinely care for one another with no false pretenses
9. the day I watch the news and don't hear about a suicide bombing in Iraq
10. gas prices going below 2.00
11. beth's wedding
12. having a runner's body ( could happen! )
13. ray lamontagne concert
14. meeting new people
15. reading " survivor" and " a tree grows in brooklyn"
16. renting "kinsey" when it comes out
17. 80's night at Hailey's
18. spanking the GRE's
19. summer nights
20. the new chapter in my life

" Be Calm, Be Brave, It'll Be OK"