The 4 Phone Calls of the Apocolypse


1. Fred. 4 am.

I am too reactionary. His gut reaction that he reacts to is that I react too much to my gut reaction, and then try to compensate and apologize later. David's mom uses a term "trash dumping" when you bring up a million other instances of discontent...instances that are supposedly resolved. I am sorry, but, this is ridiculous. I will just have to bite my tongue always, from now on. What I feel, as irrational and maybe even sometimes spiteful as it is...is how I feel. Why should I lie to myself? I have never been hung up on like that. I hate cell phones, for this is the reason we had this screaming fight in the first place.

2. Dr. Marshall, chair of psychology dept, 11 am

I was watching "Grill University" on PBS this morning putting off going to the gym and reading my 6 chapters of Partnership Abuse when I saw an unfamiliar number on my phone. I was hoping it was one of the hospitals I had applied to for a summer job, but it was the dept. chair at UNT gushing in her heavy smoker's voice that " I must be so proud to achieve this accomplishment"...and if she should say my name Sarah Elizabeth or just Sarah when she's announcing at the ceremony. I am apathetic. I didn't even send out announcements. Weird. That was definitely a numb "Garden State" sort of moment.

3. My mom, 11:05 am.

" Can I open your graduation card from your Aunt Mary? She usually sends a letter and I want to read the letter. " In the background I hear my little brother, " Is there money in it? Is there money in it?" How would he have known there was money in it unless my mom had said " ooh, a graduation card, let's see if there's money in it!" And here is where I bite my tongue. She later asks if I will be coming home tomorrow for mother's day to lavish her with gifts and attention. I love giving gifts. I want to go home and hang out with she and my brother since my sister won't be there. My mom makes huge deals out of these things and gets really depressed if they're not perfect. But, I have 11 dollars to my name and 3 finals to study for. I can tell that Sunday night will be another drinking-coffee-infused-with-crack-at-Art-6 kinda night. I don't know where driving home will fit in. I am being selfish, but how how how am I supposed to make everything work? It would be a better situation if I could come home on thursday and take her out to dinner and lavish her with gifts then, after I can sell back all my text books. But, it wouldn't be the same. This situation would become just another topic on my mother and I's own "Trash Dumping List of Sarah's Offenses". :( But, it's mother's day. So I'll just find a way to go home and get creative with a gift. And worry about studying later.

4. ( This is really an e-mail ) the principal of GHS, 1:00 PM

He politely e-mailed me to send a more detailed resume and to schedule an interview for a job in the English department. Pretty dang cool...but I don't think my certification will allow me to teach English. Cool nonetheless; I'll see about an interview anyway. I really think he's just asking me because he recognized me at the job fair. I am not qualified at all. I would only be 4 years older than some of those kids and I haven't even started the cert classes. But, I have prospects. ( Baylor Hospital of Plano also e-mailed me about an administrative assistant job for the summer...they said they'd get back to me. )

So that is how my day has gone thusfar. Writing all that out has made me realize that man, sometimes I *am* really selfish. Yes, I do react after the fact. Yes, that's how I am and I should alter that, but if you really knew me, you would know that this is an incredibly hard thing for me to do...step outside myself and understand something through someone else's eyes. To not react to something based on my own feelings, but how it would effect someone else. I don't want to intentionally hurt ANYONE. I know that good intentions aren't really worth anything.
But...but...I don't know how to completely change (or if I'm willing to change) how I react to the world. Am I alone in this?