Nature, Hormones, Sucking Black Hole of My Future.

It's rained a lot in the last few days. Walking to Terrell yesterday, I saw a crow with a gigantic striped catepillar in his mouth...the kind that is paper machéd in that book we all read as kids, " the very hungry catepillar". The bird must have felt like he hit the jackpot, because I think worms that big are rare in Texas. Then, at a stoplight in 288, I saw another bird take a bath in a puddle. It seems like they get the water under their feathers, not on top of. It made me wonder if birds get B.O., or have real skin under their feathers, with skin cells they need to slough off. I guess it was just a good day for birds.

Yesterday I cried a commercial. A fucking commercial for " Extreme Makeover Wedding Edition!" The song in the background was "unchained melody". That song has close emotional ties. It amazes me how close to making such a drastic and permanent decision I was. While I'm glad I didn't make a mistake, I'm still incredibly sad that I'm back at square 1. I don't know why it's just now hitting me. I don't know why he keeps calling me. I'm going to have to be completely calm and composed on Saturday and I'm scared. When I'm the little voyeur running my ass off at the gym and I see them running perfectly in time, I'm ok because I'm at a distance. I don't know how to react when it will be shoved in my face. I don't know if I should bring a crutch -- a flask of jack daniels to pour in my drink while we're BBQ-ing...or if I should keep a safe distance, or not stay very long at all. I want to say it's not fair, but it's very fair. I deserve this. I deserve this heartache.

" You can't have roots and wings."
" It will come in waves, you just have to acknowledge that each wave will pass".

Hopefully this is more like " the crimson wave" talking and not my true heart & soul.

So I applied at a few more places. I hope someone calls soon for interviews because I have no idea what I'm going to do with myself the weeks after graduation. At least my dad is being more hopeful. More excited that I got done in 4 years. I'm really glad we're starting to become more like friends and less like child and parent. I'm sure that will increase tenfold when I have my own income.

And for mother's day, I think I'm going to tell my mom I'll go to Mexico with their Mission Trip, and work hard in the sun for a higher purpose that myself. That'll make her happy. Maybe it will make me happy too. People who've gone say that it's an awesome experience...a good way to get undepressed is to do something unexpected and great for someone else. Definitely out of my comfort zone....but sometimes that's a good thing :)