Suzi and Ricardo just left. We had so much fun! They met Matt and everyone got along great.

I had a minor inconvenience though on Saturday, " Languages Other Than English Educational Training". So I show up hungover on a saturday morning....thinking I'd be the only one in such a state. Hah. Everyone looked a little green. Foreign language teachers are so badass, no matter what age. I was interested in what the presenter had to say for the most part, but the excitement I had when I first started taking these training classes is gone. On the breaks all the teachers swapped stories about their study abroad experience, or their cool immersion classes, or how long it took for them to get their masters. I felt so left out. There was only 1 other French teacher, who happened to work for a charter school that had IB. So of course she comes over to my table and starts chattering away in French. I understood every word she said, but I couldn't bring myself to answer in French. I would say one or 2 words, then switch over. I coulda kicked myself.

She was loud and opinionated throughout the whole class and kept making comments. She's what me and Brandon would have called "Miss Answer" back in our quantitative methods days.

At the end of the seminar, I knew she would try to talk to me again. I powerwalked to my car, but she followed me out there. She said,

"Hey, just in case you're interested, I head a french conversation table at La Madeline in Dallas. Because well, you seem like you need the practice."

I explained to her that I'm used to talking to my French I class and I have to get into a groove to carry on a convo and not be, you know, intimidated.

And then she went on to say " Oh know, well not to say you're not qualified to speak French or anything, but you really need to be confident in the language to teach it, even if it's French I"

Ok, I admit that I couldn't go to France and speak to Chirac and deVillepin with precise elloquence but um, I can teach my French I regulars class in the 'hood just fine. All my observers tell me my accent is very good, and the kids are recieving a good example of what the language should sound like.

But this bitch (sorry, she really was) gets all "up in my grill" and tells me her life story, how she just spent 4 years in France because she felt so "à l'aise" there, and how her accent was just perfected there. She started learning the language when she went to Brigham Young ( because this little darling is Mormon, too, ) and she even said her prayers in French. I politely as I could told her that while yes I want to improve my French, this was not going to be my life's work and I'll be going to grad school for something completely different pretty soon.

She then said " well, maybe you owe it to your students to improve."

I just froze. I said with my fakest smile " OK, I will consider that!! Thanks have a great weekend!!!!" I cried all the way to Suzi's parent's house.

Why do I let shit like this bring me down? Why couldn't I just have a conversation with her in French? I've done it with other people before...all the time. I passed my TOPT despite being sick. I rule. I know it. It's freaking ironic that she was an IB teacher. The same thing happened to me all throughout my 4 years in that program. Everyone was trying to prove to each other that they were smart. I knew I could hold my own, but I always backed down. I felt so inadequate because I wasn't the best. I had no will to strive to be in that elite little group. I get so anxious and feel so threatened if someone comes on the scene and suggests that I shouldn't be there. Maybe I am more competitive than I thought.

So, all sorts of thoughts are going through my head. I thought I was settling into a new life, but I can already tell the changes aren't complete. There are still a lot of possibilities, and maybe this is a sign to look into some of those :)