So 9 times out of 10 when my alarm rings at 5:10 Am, I hit snooze til 5:30. If it's a Thursday or Friday when I'm barely hangin' on, I'll snooze til 5:40 or 5:50. I stumble around in the dark in my underwear for awhile feeling my way through my closet for some "corporate dress" bullshit outfit because yes, us teachers have to wear party dresses to prison, because it "reflects professionalism to the students". Riiight. Yet somehow I make it out the door before 6:10 and if there isn't traffic, I get to my school that's 50 miles away in less than an hour. I sneak past the principals going up the back stairs and just sit at my desk and blink at the fluorescent light for a few minutes. I go to my mailbox and throw half the shit away without looking at it, and get a coke from the vending machine because the coffee that's put out tastes like dirt. After this, the rest of my day is usually just fine. I endure. I go through the motions and I get home and it's like "ahhh, I can mark that one off the calendar"...and sometimes I can even say " today was actually pretty damn good". Like I said, 9 days out of 10.

On that 10th day, IF I make it out of bed, I question every decision, ever. I stand there teaching -ER verbs for the millionth.time. Still met with blank stares or kids drawing on their arms with sharpie, or kids asleep. I even make up a little song to the tune of " frere jacques" about how " Je gets 'E' Tu 'ES' Il gets 'E'! Elle gets 'E'!" I dance around the room in my painful pointy shoes while my brain is singing " shoot me nowwwwww." I get in my car and drive drive drive again and pay 2.55 a gallon for crappy walmart gas. I saw my friend Jessie for her birthday and scooped up her baby Aidan and rubbed his chubby baby cheek against mine. We drop the baby off at her mom's and go to Luna de Noche for margaritas and tortilla soup. We both get tipsy, she pours her heart out, and makes mine ache. I hope things get better when they move up here. My gut says that it won't thought, because she's this dynamic, amazing, strong girl -- Woman even, and yeah, she won't stand being kept down. I drive drive drive again, this time home, and think about how simply unnatural marriage seems. I mean, are people really meant to spend that much time with each other? The majority of people get married in their 20s and 30s, when you still have a good 40-50 years on you. Bleh. BLEH! Listening to Chicago by Sufjan Stevens incessantly isn't helping my escapist ideas that I harbor in the back of my mind. I sometimes think about driving right past the McCormick exit, and driving all the way up 35 to Canada. I wonder how long it would take. I wonder how cold it would be. Anyway, so it was one of those days, where somehow my car ended up at the liquor store....I got some pyramid apricot ale. The cashier recognized me from our psychometrics class I took my junior year. He has two huge holes in his ears and tattoos all down his arms. He asked what I was taking this semester and I had a twinge in my chest...it actually hurt to say " oh I graduated. I teach." " You're not doing anything with psych?" he says. I say " well, you could look at it that way, or not. You know, whatever." And he says " thats cool. enjoy your beer. thats good shit." And I am sad and I want to just keep driving and driving, either that or drink my fruity beer in bed and not wake up til saturday. Waah waaaah waaaaaaaah.....I miss college.

So as I wrote those last few sentences? Yeah, my roommate backed into my car in the driveway. THWUMP. My license plate is bent all funny now.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.