I've just got through a really hard week. I was supposed to be observed..that's when your principal comes in and rates you on how well you conduct your class, and to see if youre challenging the kids to their level. I had 3 days of kick-ass lessons, where the students were actively engaged and asking questions. It was amazing. My principal did not come on those 3 days....I told her not to come on Friday because I was giving a test. Sure enough she shows up with her clipboard on Friday. Thursday night I had gone out with Matt and some friends to Duke's in Addison and had a great time. I drank a little too much, so I only got about 4 hours of sleep. For some reason, my typically only occcasionally problematic students were "off-the-chain" , and my every-day bad kids were WILD HELL BEASTS. I ran out of office referrals. I called 6 parents, wrote 9 detentions, 8 referrals....got cussed out 3 times by 3 different students...had 3 "what is wrong today" heart-to-heart conversations in the hall. Most days I can be tough enough to persevere and I sing all the way home, have a glass of wine and take a nap. By 7th period on Friday, I had an actual nervous break-down. So much so I couldn't even hold a pen in my hand. I got this intense urge to run away....I couldn't let them see me cry. I had 5 students in my face 7th period, " Miss, I don't want to take this test...this class sucks! Miss I need to go to the bathroom, don't count me late...Miss! You know I can't sit in the front you need to change my seat!" I packed up Lappy, grabbed my purse and quietly walked out, but started running down the hall. I caught a teachers' aide on the way down and told her I didn't feel well and to check up on my class. I got into the teachers lounge and the coaches were in there probably eating lunch #3. There was no place I could just cry by myself, so I had to go into the bathroom and sob. I cried so hard I think it sounded like I was throwing up. The coaches probably thought I was insane or pregnant or both. I made it back to the room, and the asst. principal was in there. There was no "are you ok?" no sympathy. Just a " stop being a wus" look, like it was my fault I can't have everythin under control, every second of the day. The teacher next to me got fired and no one will tell us why. You have to do something really freaking bad to get fired as a teacher....I watch the news everyday waiting for some scandal to come up involving our school.

So this is the last straw, I think. This is a toxic working environment. I talked to my mom and she said I can get out of my contract if there is a teaching job I can accept if it pays more. That's just....highly unlikely. I'm so stuck. I think I'd be able to trudge through, for a few more years even, if the admin. had our backs...if we got encouragement, had more fun as a faculty. But no. Everyone is miserable and counting down the days til Christmas or May. It's awful.

On top of that, Matt and I have been trying to work out some kinks in our relationship that just don't look like they're going to work out. It sucks so bad to love someone so much, have incredible chemistry....but have seemingly surface details wedge you apart. I don't know what's going to happen.

It's a beautiful weekend though, and I'm going to fill it with good company.