I'm back. I guess I'll start writing regularly, I guess.

I've got the February blues. I feel gross in my own skin, figuratively and literally. Valentines' Day I put on a dress for the first time in a long time, and cried when I saw how fat I looked. Big, fat white sausages for arms. This sounds incredibly vain, but all my life people had told me " you've got such a tiny little waist! where do you put the food? you're a little porcelain doll!" So, whenever I felt crappy about my old-lady hands or paleur or stubby legs, I'd think well, at least I hide it well.

And now, it's all going away.

It's been bitter cold and I have no energy. I feel stuck in my job, of course, and there's really nothing I can do about it except wait for it to be over. I don't know if I want to teach again. More than anything right now it's a paycheck. Some of those kids I love. I love the feeling of sparking an interest in something new in a student...but everything else weighs on me. I don't think I can work a job that depends on me being sane and patient everyday. I've flipped through too many text books that say " MS C-- IS A BITCH" scrawled all over the pages. ( True, I overhear a few "French is my favorite class"-es too) but some days I'm not tough enough. I try to be fair but I think I end up just being a tyrant in the end and I hate that. It's a toxic soul-stealing energy that wipes me out. The only thing I look forward to during the work week besides maybe a short visit from Matt is watching 'the office' on thursday nights. I know, how sad is that? I closed my eyes for a few seconds Thursday at 6 pm, and woke back up at 9:30. SO disappointing.

Valentines' did go well though. Matt got me a sweet heart pendant with little diamonds and amethysts. I will treasure it. :) Knowing it was one of the last endulgent meals I would have before my desperate overhaul, I savored every bite of my III forks filet mignon. The meat was buttery soft and peppered, the potatoes were perfect and creamy...even the steamed haricots verts were perfection. It was nice and relaxing after yelling at my hair for not curling right, my dress fiasco, and tripping on my damn shoe. We met friends at Sherlock's and drank and danced....to either "city by the bay" by journey or " can you forget the things i said when i was drunk" by lit....can't remember. ( Live band. ) I'm kind of hoping it was the journey song bc that would have been sweet, but the lit song sounds more like sarah and matt.

The good thing about my disposition, when I get down about things, I find solutions and follow them the best I can. Yes, I'm incredibly frustrated that the life that I want is not starting now. All I can do is water and nurture my little seeds of change. ( ooh, that was good if i do say so myself. ) I'm trying to endulge in the little things...the free things. ( No, not food anymore. ) Good music. Books. Learning phrases in Russian and Polish off the internet. Helping with the standardized test math tutorials after school and actually being able to explain things. ( Who would have thought?) Amateur photography. Planning a "maybe" get-away for spring break to Vegas or San Diego or New Orleans. So, anyway. Tomorrow's another day.